its a shame

when you show up to work everymorning and thoughts abound in your simple mind, not about work, but about the things you can accomplish today inspite of work.

Yes. Yes. I have been rooted in a deep and dark period of procrastination, one that has seen me resort to reading, shopping for a new wardrobe, creating projects for Baby Jack's room (if that is really his name), and checking my email 762 times a day hoping for signs of new employment.

My mind fights the urge to call my wife 14 times an hour it seems, not becuase I have anything important to say or ask, but simply becuase we both are extremely dependant on the other's thoughts, emotions, stabilities to exist when things just aren't......engaging. She is my fullback, my leadblocker, the staple of my offense. She is my safety, my playmaker, the backbone of my defense. I can always count on her, or so I am convinced. This often annoys her and in return leaves me bewildered.

How can she not have any exciting news, her life is rotund with vigor and intrigue. She is carrying the most precarious of beings around with her at all times. She has a husband that is to be worried about, at an elevated level, he is always at Alert Orange. Our daughter is currently concentrating on being a girl, an identity crisis she has overcome and now an identity concentration she has obtained. These things are riveting and conversation worthy, yet after our 6 conversations during the day, all I have been able to gather from her is that she is hungry, tired, and not amused by my phone calls.

I check her blog daily, and facebook stalk her, and only her, I am more than a little enamoured by a creature that is willing to cohabitate with me. She shares a bathroom with me. We shed equally. Maybe it's a fair trade.

There will come a time in many many lives when waking up and going to bed becomes routine, a simple inhale and exhale in our lives. but not my life, not our lives. You see, when I got married things were different, I had been preparing my entire life for things not to be that way. No, for 25 years I spent my nights lying awake scared as hell that I was going to mess up and get married, mess up and have a family, mess up and deeply impact the lives of the perfectly innocent. My vows were not to love honor and respect, til death do us part. Not in my mind, my vow was to run run run, and hope to live on without others knowing. Sadly, this was not meant to be. I was trapped, captured, tortured, and then engaged, only to become married. And now, IT IS ON!!!

I love my wife. I love her unexplainably, I love her unconditionally, I love her insanely. And it is not fair to her becuase most of the time, I love her ineffectively (word?). I expect too much of her, I want all of her, I need for her to know and understand, I look for her to be strong and stable, and I hope that she can provide and endure. And everyday, EVERDAY, she exists just the way that she needs to, just the way that she is supposed to, and everday I wonder will she be able to do it all again. And everymorning she does.

She is perfect, perfectly resilient, perfectly unstable, perfectly unkept, and pefectly imbalanced. She fits me like a 3 day old pants, soft and stretched to perfection, tattered and torn in only the way that you would appreciate fully. She is oh so warm and oh so comforting at just the right times. She is angry and stubborn in a way that always works. She is committed to being a new flavor, a new color, a new style everday just for me, only for me, and always for me. She loves me the way that was unimaginable to me 3 years ago when I was contemplating asking her to marry me.

My wife is better than yours, she is prettier, funnier, nicer, sweeter, she smells better, cooks better, takes care of the bills, makes babies that are amazing, and likes to watch football even if its only becuase its easier than asking me to change it. In the mornings, she kisses me even when I am asleep and won't remember, she eats cinamon toast cause its easy and yummy, and reads everyblog that she can get to becuase she loves people. I think she chose to be a nurse becuase of the wardrobe and she loves flowers. I miss her all the time, even when she is with me, becuase I can never get enough. I am addicted in a way that scares me. I never ever thought I would be at this point, I wouldn't let myself. I knew that I would mess it up, and I might, cause....you know....its possible. But she is irresistible, plain and simple, and when she walked into that bar, in that dress, with that smile and those squinty little eyes, I didn't stand a chance. And she knew it.

I love my wife. Not like I love football, or even Tennessee football, not like like I love Sam, or love blues music, or love grilling out, its different, its a challenge, cause for some reason, no matter how much I try, i know that I don't love her enough, that I am still not doing it just right, that there is more out there, more I can do to show her, to let her know that I am so lucky. And that she is so perfect just for me.

She is my Bigfoot, my Nessie, my Unicorn, becuase for a long time, I had convinced myself that she didn't and wouldn't exist, not for me. But then she walked in.

Today, she is procrastination worthy, and I owe her a great thanks for now taking up at least 48 minutes of my time as I attempted to put words into play that begin to describe some of how I feel about her.

I love you Kerry,

thank you for giving me a chance.

PS. We should have pictures of the baby later. FYI.